Yesterday I sat in my room and listened to the audiobook version of Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher pretty much the entire day.
Today I sat outside on my back porch, with my CD player connected with an extension cord, and listened to it. After it became dark, I moved on inside to take a bath. I didn't go because it was dark, but because a bath just seemed so appealing at that moment. Listen to the end of that book in a tub of hot water. How does that not sound wonderful?
Anyway, it was a breathtaking book. Very emotional.
(By the way, yes, I do enjoy audiobooks at times. I'm very glad I listened to this one rather than reading it because it was so much more realistic. Two different actors; one for Hannah, one for Clay. A different voice for each narrative by the two characters.)
When I was listening to it, I remembered how Muse said, in her review, that it's kind of twisted to send people tapes claiming that they were the reason she killed herself. Yes, it is. Kind of. Personally, I think I would prefer that. It would be absolutely horrible, gut-wrenching, probably the worst thing a person could go through, to be sent those tapes. But then there's... Just not knowing. To be a person to receive those tapes, I would hate her. Hate her for putting me (hypothetically) through all that.
But to be her. To die. To stop existing. Without anyone knowing why. To most, it would seem out of the blue, wouldn't it? Like one day she just decided to swallow a bottle of pills. I don't know. I'm sure some people saw the signs, but it's not like anyone did anything about it. But how horrible would it be to die without one person knowing why you decided to take your life? To just disappear off the face of the earth with leaving just a small memory, a small impact on lives. I don't think I could handle that.
So yeah, I can completely see why she did what she did. Twisted, yes. It could be called selfish, and of course, so could the action of suicide itself. But... I... Don't know. I really don't. Sorry.
No, I do not condone suicide at all. I don't know anyone who has killed themselves, thankfully (I don't know if I would have been able to get through that book if I did). I believe that the world has so much in it, and as bleak as it seems, there is good in the world. Maybe not in the people (though there is, I just know it), but in landscapes, skylines, forests. There's beauty in the world and I just can't, no matter how awful life gets, leave without experiencing it.